A Mother’s Heart
My mom, JoAnne Embler, died in 1979. It was the spring of my first-grade year. In ways, her death defined me. Most people would be quick to acknowledge the influence their mothers had on the person they have become. Similarly, my mother’s absence was an invisible marking on me, which most certainly influenced my life.
After the birth of my first child, grief swept into my life as a surprise. I had no idea I would be so profoundly aware of my mother’s absence at that time. But I was, and it was painful. I guess there is something special about becoming a mother that made me incredibly aware of what I had lost. More importantly, I was aware of what she had lost. I simmer on thoughts of how she must have felt as she slipped away from her young children. It frightens me. I’m so thankful that my kids have grown and that my job is done. (Ok, maybe not done, but it’s not the same.)
Do you know how we rationalize things or makeup scenarios in our heads? We contrive ideas that have no probable basis, but we hang onto them to make sense of our world. My little scenario was a goal to beat death and live beyond 42. Why? My mom died at 42. There were step goals along the way and mile markers to pass. My grandmother died when my mom was three, and my mom died when I was six. So, I had to make it past those points in my daughter’s life. Or was it my youngest son’s life since I was the youngest? Then I realized the math was by 3’s, so I actually had to make it past their 9th birthdays. Then move on to my 42nd birthday. Needless to say, I made it. I’m 49, and my youngest is 21. You know? I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone about this life goal until now. Crazy huh?
Whether it was the invisible marking of loss on my life or God’s mark, I can’t be certain, but I LOVE being a mother. Four little humans came into my life and filled it with joy. I thank God for that. Today they are full-grown humans, and my joy is complete.
Do you know the story of Job? Job was a man of integrity that walked with God. Satan challenged God on Job’s integrity and faithfulness. God let Satan have his way with Job with the limit of taking his life. Job lost all of his children and possessions. He went through a great time of grief and trial. Skip ahead to the end of the story, and the Lord restored Job’s prosperity and doubled his possessions. God blessed the last part of Job’s life more than the first. He had seven more sons and three daughters. The book of Job is heavy, but the blessing that God poured out on his life after so much loss is pretty encouraging. I’m sure that Job always mourned the losses he endured, but I bet it made him appreciate the blessings all the more.
I recently had the overwhelming sense that God was blessing me beyond my losses. It wasn’t just the loss of my mother; my dad died in a house fire when I was 22. I lost a young niece and nephew, a couple of brothers-in-law, grandparents, and had a miscarriage. I also went through a dreadfully painful divorce. I’m sure some have endured much more, but my loss has been great. My testimony today is that my blessings have been greater.
Just when I think my heart can’t hold more, God gives me more to love. I have four beautiful children who love their mom. I have a bearded brute for a husband who would do anything for me and supports my faith and ministry. I have two lovely step-children who welcome me into their lives and share their kids. Siblings I love. Friends? Who can count? I am blessed! I can relate on a small level to Job on the loss and the blessing he experienced in his life. I want to jump, shout, and praise the Lord every day of my life. His goodness endures forever.
Gabe, Oakley, and Berg will probably hate this photo, but it’s not Taylor’s fault they wouldn’t give her a genuine smile.
You know what’s even better than being loved by my kids? I get to watch them love each other. It always makes my heart happy. This morning, my oldest child (only daughter), Taylor, texted me about her three younger brothers. I have to share it with you. She typed, “I wish I had a picture of the happenings this morning.” She owns a drive-up coffee shop, “I’ve been pretty steady all morning, so amidst the rush, Berg (the baby) came through. Then a little bit later, Gabe (second son) pulled up and was headed to take an exam. Oak and Hailey (oldest brother and fiancé) pull up behind him and begin unloading boxes into the shop. Brian (her boyfriend) drives by and honks at all of them from the intersection.” Taylor said she had to share it with me because I would love the scene just as much as she did. I think I loved it even more.
Oakley, Taylor, Stella, Hailey, Heidi, Phoebe, Gabe, and Berg
People have often commented on how nice and out of the ordinary that my kids are so close. They ask me, what’s the secret? If there is a secret, I don’t know the formula. My older sister told me on Saturday that I was the secret. It’s because I was such a good mom. I don’t think that’s it. I know so many great moms and their kids aren’t always close. I have to give credit to God. He has blessed me for no reason. He’s blessed me in ways that I don’t deserve. I give God the glory, and I thank Him every day.
Don’t miss the blessings in your life. They don’t erase the loss or make the trials disappear, but they still bring a tremendous amount of joy when you thank God for all He does. Allow the tough things to help you grow. The heat in the fires refine you into something beautiful; enjoy who you become.